Watchmen
director | Zack Snyder
starring | Malin Akerman, Billy Crudup, Matthew Goode etc.

‘War And Peace’ of graphic novels, devoted fanbase, supposedly unfilmable, took over twenty years to make it to the screen, morally ambiguous, deconstructs superhero myth etc.

So Watchmen finally made it to Japan this weekend after what has generally been regarded as a pretty dismal box-office performance in the U.S. and Europe. I’m a (very) late convert to the cult of Watchmen, having only recieved the comi… graphic novel this Christmas past (the hardcover deluxe edition, in case you’re wondering -- looks great on the shelf but weighs the best part of a kilo) so I can’t claim to have the same level of emotional investment in the material that has fuelled some of the more damning reviews. Having said that, I did approach this adaptation with some degree of trepidation, mainly as I was unfortunate enough to have seen director Zack Snyder’s previous movie, the dreadful 300.

So does Snyder deliver on Watchmen’s promise? Well, yes and no. There are some things the movie gets right and some things it gets very, very wrong. Visually at least, the film is a delight. Every scene has been art-directed and styled to within an inch of it’s life -  it really does look like the comic book come to life and it’s a refreshing contrast to the drab, underlit, ‘realistic’ look of The Dark Knight. And story-wise, Snyder and screenwriter David Hayter have been slavishly faithful to the source material -- although the ending has (at least, superficially) been changed, the basic ‘message’ of the novel remains intact. Something about sacrifice and the cost of peace, I think. So yes, Snyder and co. stick closely to the source, painstakingly replicating Dave Gibbons’ artwork and pilfering most of Alan Moore’s original dialogue for the script. Ironically though, it may be this almost fetishistic level of fidelity that ultimately proves Watchmen’s undoing. I used the word ‘adaption’ above, but really this isn’t an adaption at all. For something that was (apparently) a passion project for Snyder the whole thing feels wholly anonymous, as if assembled by committee. In fact the only way Snyder can impose any kind of unique stamp on the material is the endless, and infuriating, use of slow-motion. Seriously, the guy is just taking the piss. Every fight, every action sequence, plays out at half-speed, accompanied by some thunderingly unsubtle sound effects. Which brings me to the music cues. Fucking godawful. The opening credits are just fantastic (watch them here), accompanied, as they are, by Dylan’s ‘The Times They Are A-Changin”. Elsewhere though we have ‘99 Luftballoons’, for literally no reason, playing in the background of one scene and Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ (which is a very sexy song) soundtracking one of the most deeply unerotic sex scenes I’ve seen since Crash. The end credits feature My Chemical Romance. ’nuff said.

Mostly the acting is competent if unspectacular. Malin Akerman, as a sort of poor man’s Xena: Warrior Princess, fares the worst of the bunch; Carla Gugino is good but has to deliver most of her lines under a pile of unconvincing old-age make-up; Jackie Earle Haley certainly embodies the character of Rorschach, though his constant voiceover quickly grates. Watchmen is far from being a bad movie: it’s just an unsatisfying, frustating, and curiously hollow one. All the pieces are in place but it still doesn’t feel… right. Perhaps if Snyder had been more daring -- cutting characters and streamlining the story -- we may have been left with a better movie. It’s hard to say. There are a lot of good points -- as I said, the opening credits, Rorschach’s stint in prison, the repeated appearance of Dr. Manhattan’s pendulous blue dong. But the constant slo-mo, slack pacing, and ropey line readings ultimately mark this one as a well-intentioned misfire.

meaningless rating | 13.5